This memory is the one that broke the monogamy matrix for me. I was in the car with my mom and at the time college boyfriend. I cheated and I felt horrible. I kissed one of my best guy friends that lived in my hometown. I was making my usual visit home and at the time things with my boyfriend were not good. Spoiler Alert: We broke and not on great terms.

That friend was throwing a party and of course I went. At the time I wasn’t a lush nor pothead but no worries, the roaring 20s were just that. This guy and I have been friends for 4 years. I was telling him my problems and he actually gave legit advice. Then we moved on to life’s things. The kiss came out of nowhere and then I kissed back which I immediately stopped realizing what I had done.

I cried all the way home knowing the damage I had done. Even worse to add insult to injury, deep down I didn’t regret it. I simply didn’t know what to do. It was high school all over again and having to choice, only this time it may cost my nearest and dearest friendship and I was a wreck.

So being the forthcoming person I’ve always been I confessed my sins to my boyfriend and I was clearly in the doghouse. We were all making our way to church and you could cut the tension with a knife. My mom was and still is my best friend so she was briefed on the situation. She then, like a good lawyer, tried to plead my case of character. Now I don’t remember word for word what she said but it was my red pill. “…..When she’s sorry she really means it. She is a really good girl.”

All I could think was ” We’re not even engaged and she’s talking me up like I’m a prized cow. Sure I messed up but I’m not his property” This was my red pill moment and I should have swallowed my truth. The feeling of being so possessive of a person made me feel suffocated. I didn’t want to cause more problems so I went back to blue pill reality for the sake of appearances.

I’m glad that I’ve grown a lot since that moment in college. Seems like all my exes caught the poly bug because that college ex of mine has six partners now after having a huge break up from the women he ended up with after me. Life is funny that way. We agreed that we are not good together in this space. I wish him nothing but the best.